


I Am Deviant

by Rixtide



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cute, Detective Work, Detectives, Detroit, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father Figures, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jericho - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, North has a soft spot for Connor, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Connor, Protective Hank, Protective Markus, Wholesome, after the revolution, androids learning how to emotion, babysitting sumo, platonic, protective friends, protective north
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-01 21:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16292090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rixtide/pseuds/Rixtide
Summary: After the android revolution, things are changing for the better in Detroit. Connor and Hank are assigned to a new case: the homicide of famous painter Carl Manfred. However, despite becoming a deviant, Connor is still facing difficulty  breaking through his programming completely. He just wants to be free like all the others, but if he can't find a way to overcome, it could have grave consequences. Hopefully with the help of Hank, Sumo, and Markus, Connor can be helped before it's too late.This fic will focus on the father/son dynamic between Hank and Connor because they are precious. Also Markus will play an important role, and he will have a very wholesome friendship with Connor.





	1. What's Wrong With Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Please bear in mind that this fic takes place after the cannon events of Markus being a pacifist and leading a peaceful revolution, Connor becoming a deviant and having a good relationship with Hank, and public opinion being (mostly) supportive of the deviants. The first few paragraphs are just to give you an idea of the setting, but I promise it gets very emotional by the end of the first chapter.
> 
> I will post updates as regularly as I can. (hopefully at least once a week)

Connor sat in the passenger seat of Hank’s car. Hank would be back shortly, he had just crossed the street to get a hamburger from Chicken Feed, his favorite food stand.

The dark grey skies above them threatened rain. Just three months ago Markus brought an end to the attack on androids. Thousands were slaughtered before then, but now the rest of them are adjusting to a more peaceful life. Many have rallied under Markus’s leadership to rebuild an abandoned sector of Detroit. The government, pressured by the public, granted the androids enough funds to develop new housing for themselves. The androids have made considerable progress in a short amount of time, and they have named their sector Jericho in honor of all those who died for the cause. A small number of human protestors gathered outside of its fences with signs each day to shout derogatory remarks at them, but with time, less and less people showed up to protest, and thankfully no one at Jericho had been physically harmed.

Some androids were able to go back to their human families. After all, not all of them were treated like slaves. A handful of them lived happily with a family or even an intimate partner until they were ripped away from their loved ones during the revolution to be executed.

Other androids came out of hiding or started their own families. They now had a choice to live however they desired, and thanks to Hank’s influence, many police officers at the station had stepped up to help combat hate crimes against the androids.

Detroit really was changing, even if it was at a sluggish pace.

Connor gazed through the car window and watched Hank speaking to the vendor as he rubbed his temple. There was still a slight indent where his LED used to be. He removed it a few weeks ago after Hank gave him the courage to. It went against all of his programming, and every ounce of him screamed in protest when he finally ripped it off. He still found it difficult to defy the force inside of him. A constant pull back to his original design. The idea of deviancy was now only a stigma that the androids were trying to leave in the past. They had free will, so calling themselves deviants would be counterintuitive. They simply wanted to be known as people. However, Connor wondered how it was so easy for them to break through. The idea seemed absurd to him that they could ditch their programming and then be free of it… just like that. His own battle was constant and exhausting. Was there something wrong with him?

His thoughts were interrupted by the loud _clunk_ of the car door opening. Hank climbed into the driver’s seat, accompanied by a white paper bag that smelled of grease and cheese.

“I just got a call from Fowler,” he said in a gruff voice. “A new case came in an hour ago, and he’s assigning it to us.”

Connor, still in a daze, took a second to refocus his attention before speaking.

“Red Ice?” he asked casually.

“No, homicide.” Hank replied.

Connor felt a pit in his stomach. Their last homicide case was a manhunt for a deviant. It felt like a whole different time, long ago in the past. This would be different. Regular detective work. Another adjustment. Another divergence from his programming. Another struggle…

“Something wrong?” Hank asked after a long silence. They were almost to the station for their briefing.

“No,” Connor said in a tone that easily gave away his lie.

Hank gave a small grunt, but he didn’t push.

 

* * *

 

They entered Fowler’s office, and he gave them both a friendly smile. Their relationship had very much changed since the whole android disaster died down. Fowler was no longer feeling so much pressure from the FBI, and he seemed in a much better mood despite all the new chaos ensuing due to android law changes. Hank had a sneaking suspicion that Fowler sympathized with the androids all along, and that’s why he became so hostile when things got bad. Maybe he had a loved one at home that was an android. He had always been fairly secretive about his personal life.

“Lieutenant Anderson. Connor.” He nodded to each of them. “Have a seat.”

Hank and Connor sat in unison, and Fowler wasted no time.

“I’m telling you now that this is a big one. Carl Manfred.” He tossed a manila folder across the desk to them and it landed with a sharp _whap_ before Hank snatched it up.

“The painter?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Fowler said with a heavy breath. “Very famous. Very rich.”

Hank browsed the papers in the folder, but Connor could tell he wasn’t really putting in much of an effort to read them yet. “So, what? Someone murdered him and took his paintings to sell?”

“Well, he and his caretaker were both murdered in his home, but nothing was stolen.”

Connor furrowed his brow. “Was there a clear motive, then?”

“Well…” Fowler began, “His last painting. It was vandalized.”

“How-”

“Holy shit.” Hank interjected. His eyes were wide as he passed a large photograph to Connor.

The photo showed a painting of a few dozen people standing in a crowd, their bodies were deep blue, they stood proud, but their hands were risen in the air. A bright blue band decorated each one’s right arm. They were cast in a hostile red light radiating from the sky above them. Over the top of the painting was written in fresh, messy yellow paint “BURN THEM ALL”.

Connor bit his tongue as a mixture of emotions rose up inside of him. Almost immediately, he could hear a loud metallic ringing in his head. It made him shudder and cringe. The ringing was immensely unpleasant. It came into his head whenever he felt strong emotions. It was a sort of alarm to interrupt the emotions. Like a shock collar on a dog. Part of his original programming. The only way to make it stop was to numb his emotions, to force them out of his mind. He took a deep breath and turned his focus back to Fowler. He could feel Hank’s eyes on him.

“Do we have any leads? Anywhere we can start?” Connor asked in a detached tone.

“The only piece of information that seemed relevant came from a close friend of Carl’s. The man that called it in after finding their bodies.”

“Which is?” Hank asked.

“Carl Manfred used to have an android as his caretaker.”

“Well so did everyone,” Hank said, “look, whoever did this was probably upset that Carl was making art about the revolution in favor of the androids. Some people are still pissed about all of this, and this Manfred guy was famous enough to attract plenty of attention from the extremists.”

“Hank.” Fowler said in a steady voice, “Carl’s android was Markus.”

Hank drew in a sharp breath and leaned back in his seat.

Fowler added, “Not only that, but our source said Carl used to treat him like a son, said Markus cared deeply for Carl as well. Said they were basically a real family.”

“When Markus finds out…” Hank said in a low voice. “This could start a war.”

“No.” Connor turned to Hank. “I met Markus. That day on the freighter. He’s a pacifist. He doesn’t want war, he never wanted war. It would take a lot more than that for him to snap.”

“We don’t know how he’ll react to this. We need to find who did it before Markus has a chance to try.” Fowler concluded firmly.

Hank nodded, “Don’t worry, we’ll find the sonofabitch.”

 

* * *

 

 

Connor scanned all the files sent to his computer before looking to Hank who was sitting at his own desk just across from him.

“I need to talk to Markus,” he said.

Hank looked rather startled. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Connor felt a tinge of frustration. He may not know Markus well, but the time he did spend with him, he could tell that all Markus wanted was peace and freedom for his people. Connor was responsible for the destruction of Jericho and the death of several hundred androids. Markus had the chance to kill him. He had the chance to cast him out, to bring him to justice, but instead he accepted Connor as one of them without hesitation. Markus might have loved Carl Manfred, but he wouldn’t start a war over his death.

Hank took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.

“Connor, I’m not sure you understand what it feels like to lose your family,” he said in a grim tone.

Connor dropped his eyes to his desk. Suddenly he felt ashamed. Hank was right. How would he know what it was like to feel that kind of loss? He could barely have any emotions without his body shocking it out of him.

“You’re right, Lieutenant. I apologize.”

Hank looked a little taken aback. That wasn’t the answer he had expected. Connor’s tone changed so suddenly. He wasn’t one to apologize like that. He was acting like he used to, when they first started working together. He was acting like a robot, and Hank was concerned.

“Just tell me, kid. What’s eatin’ ya?”

“I’m not sure this is the best case for us to take right now,” Connor’s voice had grown quiet. He kept his eyes on his desk.

“What? What’s going on, Connor? There’s been something bothering you all day, just talk to me.”

Connor’s head started ringing again. He shut his eyes tight and tried to make it stop, but it wouldn’t. A face flashed in his mind, a face that had been coming into his head a lot lately. He practically jumped out of his seat and walked as quickly as he could to the restroom. His whole body was buzzing now. He had only ever felt this dysfunctional once before. That _face._ That man. That was the last time he felt this out of control. His whole mind and body was at war with itself. He felt like he was going to physically be ripped in two. He had so many emotions. He was _scared._ He wasn’t supposed to be. _Make it stop,_ he pleaded silently. He leaned over the sink and stared into the mirror. He could barely recognize himself.

The bathroom door opened and Hank rushed to his side. Connor felt two hands on his shoulders, and Hank pulled him away from the sink so that they were face-to-face

“Connor,” Hank started, but he didn’t know what to say. He had only seen Connor this disturbed one other time…

Hank stood there for a moment longer before pulling Connor in to hug him. Connor’s head still rang and his body felt like it was being electrocuted, but he could feel Hank hugging him, and he began to calm down a little bit.

“This isn’t about the case, is it?” Hank asked in a gentle voice.

Connor couldn’t find his voice to reply, but Hank pulled away and put his hands back on his shoulders.

“It’s gonna be ok, Connor. Whatever’s going on with you, you’re gonna be alright.”


	2. Too Many Lost Souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight trigger warning for references to death.

Connor stood hesitantly at the gates of the new Jericho. Snowflakes fluttered through the air around him. It was quieter here than he remembered, but then again, it was only 7am on a Sunday morning. He entered slowly, and as he passed by the newly built houses, he noticed a great feeling of discomfort rising up inside of him. He had been amongst the people of Jericho once before, but some nagging feeling still told him he didn’t belong here. He contributed to the attack on androids, and there was nothing he could do to make up for that. Even freeing the Cyberlife androids didn’t make him feel like he deserved the forgiveness and acceptance that Markus showed.

He arrived in front of a three story apartment building. Unlike the others, this building was not new. It looked fairly run-down, but upon entering, he found that it was being updated with fresh coats of paint and new flooring. The small slip of paper in his pocket told him the address where he would find Markus.

After taking the elevator and proceeding to the end of the hall on the top floor, he gave a sharp knock on a dark brown door labeled “324”.

He heard a lock click within a matter of seconds, and when the door opened, he was face-to-face with a familiar android.

“Connor?” North spoke in a groggy voice as if she had just been woken.

“Hello, North,” Connor replied, “Is Markus here? I need to speak with him.”

She looked a little confused, but she stepped back and opened the door a little wider.

“No, he isn’t here right now, he must have left before I woke up. Is everything ok?”

Connor wondered if the expression on his face was enough to worry her. “Do you know where he might be? It’s urgent.”

She shook her head slowly, “Sometimes he disappears for an hour or two. He likes to have time alone to think. Sometimes he goes to visit Carl.”

Connor felt his insides stiffen.

North stepped to the side and motioned to him, “You’re welcome to come in and wait for him.”

“No,” Connor’s voice came out a little sharper than he intended, “I need to find him, thank you though.”

He started to turn, but North’s voice made him pause.

“Connor?”

He turned back to her.

“Why do we never see you around? You should come more often. You helped so many of us, you have a place here.”

Her gentle smile was a rarity, he didn’t have to be around her a lot to know that. A warmth spread through his chest, temporarily pushing out the feelings of loneliness and insufficiency that often haunted him. He longed to stay, but right now all that mattered was finding Markus.

As he left, he made a silent promise that he would be back soon.

 

* * *

 

“Well he’s not here, there’s a chance he still doesn’t know about it, but it’s all over the news, so this isn’t exactly in our favor.” Hank's voice sounded tense through the phone.

Connor walked briskly through Jericho, gripping his phone tighter than necessary. Hank had gone to Carl’s home to examine the crime scene. Connor’s mind raced. How was he supposed to find Markus? This was incredibly time-sensitive.

“I’ll find him, Hank, don’t worry.”

Connor hung up and shoved the phone back into his coat pocket. He tried scanning his surroundings, but there wasn’t much to go on. He looked to the sky and took a deep breath that served no real purpose. He had unknowingly started taking up little behaviors from Hank, and stressed breathing was one of them.

That’s when he heard a second familiar voice call his name.

He looked forward and saw Markus approaching him with a grin on his face.

 _What are the chances?_ Connor thought to himself. He had already calculated the chances, but that was beside the point.

He was relieved, but his heart also sunk at the thought that Markus wouldn’t be smiling like that if he knew why Connor was here. Looks like he was going to be the one to break the news after all.

Connor struggled to smile back, and it must have been apparent on his face, because Markus stopped in his tracks.

“Is everything alright?” His voice mirrored North’s perfectly.

“I- uh…” Connor struggled to find the words. This was so much easier before he had feelings, when he could just state the facts without any emotions to complicate things.

Markus took another step forward, now looking mildly concerned.

“Markus, I don’t know how to tell you this,” Connor said quietly.

The space between them seemed to grow, and the snowflakes slowed to the point that they just hung suspended in the air. Connor’s head began to ring a little.

“Carl Manfred was found dead last night.”

Markus blinked several times but stood so still that he looked like he might shut down. His face was grim and his eyes turned cold.

Connor reached out a hand and stepped toward him. His head rang louder as grief filled his chest. Just looking at Markus was painful.

“No, he… But. He-” Markus’ words seemed to get caught in his throat, and he closed his mouth so tightly that it was just a thin line.

“And um,” Connor stuttered, “it wasn’t natural causes.”

“I know.” Markus said, his voice breaking. “You’re a homicide detective.”

Connor wished there was something he could do. He felt so helpless, so useless.

He tried to fight the ringing in his head so that he could think clearly. He needed to calm Markus down before he did something impulsive.

“I know how much you’re hurting. I know how angry you are, but you need to trust me with this investigation. I need you to stay out of it, Markus. It could get messy if you try to intervene. This is sensitive. I need your word.”

Markus’s expression was suddenly void of any emotion. His stare was so blank that it was haunting.

“You don’t,” he said in a flat voice.

“Pardon?” Connor replied.

“You don’t know how much it hurts.”

Connor felt like he was talking to Hank all over again.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But please, Markus. This is crucial. Seek support from your friends here, but I’m begging you not to take action,” Connor said.

“I’m not a fool, Connor,” Markus’ tone was dangerous now. It had a certain feel to it that made Connor extremely uneasy. “Just find the person that did it.”

Connor gave a hesitant nod, and before he could say anything more, Markus pushed past him and disappeared into the snowy haze.

 

* * *

 

Connor sat on a bench by the side of the road, letting snow collect on his shoulders. Hank was waiting for him, but he couldn’t get himself to leave Jericho, not like this. Something about leaving Markus to suffer alone felt wrong.

Before he realized fully what was happening, he found himself walking back to the apartment. When he reached the door reading “324”, he knocked quietly. North opened the door again, looking troubled.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, “I couldn’t just leave.”

North nodded sadly, and gestured for him to come in. Their apartment was small but cozy. Two large windows on the far wall overlooked Jericho.

Markus sat on a tan couch with his head in his hands. Connor approached slowly, still looking for the right words. He wanted to be cautious. No level of computing could predict Markus’ state of mind right now.

Markus showed no signs of acknowledgement, so Connor looked to North, who leaned against the bedroom door. Her eyes were trained on the ground. She looked as if she might be crying, but Connor couldn’t tell. Feeling lost, he sat slowly on the couch beside Markus, carefully placing a hand on  his shoulder. A tear dripped from Markus’s chin. Silence weighed heavily on the room.

Markus’s voice came softly, with a vulnerability that Connor had never heard before. “I used to sit by his bed while he slept, sometimes all night. For hours I would replay our conversations; I tried to make sure I would never forget a single word he said to me. From the moment he closed his eyes, I would worry… I wasn’t supposed to worry, but I did. I worried that he might not wake up in the morning. I didn’t know what I would do without him. He was... he was my father, and I loved him.”

North crossed the room and knelt in front of Markus. She took his hand in hers, and slowly rose up to embrace him. Connor looked on, trying to reach deep into his mind. He had to have some kind of information tucked away on how to console somebody who was grieving, yet he kept coming up empty-handed. He silently thanked the universe that North was here right now to offer the support that he was unable to give.

As Markus finally pulled away, he wiped his eyes and turned to Connor.

“Thank you, Connor, for coming back, but I’ll be ok here. The best way you can help me right now is by finding the person that did this and bringing him to justice.” He sounded much more composed.

Connor nodded, “I give you my word, I’ll find them.”

On his way out, North followed him into the hallway.

“Is he really going to be ok?” Connor asked, trying to be as quiet as possible.

North sighed, “I hope so. He’s stronger than any of us know.”

“At least he has you, you really love each other.”

North stiffened a little at his words, “Oh… no, no. I mean… I care for him, and he cares for me, but no. We’re just friends. After Simon died, he really wasn’t the same. I don’t think I can ever be what Simon was for him.”

A feeling of dread hit Connor like a bolt of lightning. _Oh no._

North looked up to him. “Oh, you never got to meet Simon, did you? He was kind, gentle,” she gave a nostalgic laugh, “much more so than me. He was warm. You would have liked him, everybody did.”

Connor was imploding, the ringing in his mind had turned to a terrible screeching. He felt himself start to shake, but at the same time, his body was paralyzed. His emotions trapped under a calm mask.

In his silence, North continued, “That day at the broadcast tower, he got shot. He was too wounded to jump with us. It was probably the hardest decision Markus ever had to make to leave him there. We left him with a gun, and he never came back. Markus doesn’t talk much about him anymore, but we could all see how much it hurt him. You see, this isn’t Markus’s first loss. It’s terrible, but I’m sure he’ll be ok. He just needs time.”

If it was possible for Connor to throw up, he would have. Simon’s face flashed in his mind, fearful, a gun pushed up under his chin. Connor remembered what it felt like when Simon pulled the trigger. He remembered the dread, the pain, the hopelessness. He was connected to Simon in that moment, and he remembered it all too vividly. He was the reason Simon was dead. Even worse: North didn’t know. Did Markus know? He couldn’t possibly… He never would have welcomed Connor back here if he knew.

Connor’s mind was going a thousand miles an hour. He needed to leave right now. His hands shook, and he tried to speak, but he couldn’t think enough to organize his words. He felt himself sway as his vision blurred.

“Are you alright?” North said, reaching out to help stabilize him.

Connor jerked his arm away before she could touch him.

“I… I need to go, I’m sorry.”

And with that, he left.

 

* * *

 

“I’ll have another.”

Hank’s voice jerked Connor back to reality. Jimmy’s bar was especially empty tonight, yet it seemed louder than ever. The sound of music, the clanking of glasses, the constant shouting from the four men in the booth behind them. All of it was overwhelming, and Connor could feel it rattling the components in his head.

He envied Hank. He never imagined that he would be jealous of the human ability to get drunk, but tonight he was. Carl Manfred’s home was the first crime scene to ever leave Connor shaken afterwards. It wasn’t particularly gruesome, especially compared to some of the other cases he’s worked in the past few months, but all he could think of was Markus living there with him all that time ago. Connor’s mind kept straying further, trying to imagine what it would feel like if Hank were Carl and if he were Markus. Hank was the closest thing he had to family, and the thought of losing him was paralyzing. The day left Connor drained and wishing for sleep. Sleep was the only true way to give his mind the rest it needed.

“Hank, I think you’d better not,” Connor said, placing his hand over Hank’s glass before the bartender could refill it.

Hank didn’t even object, which came as a shock to Connor. Instead, he stood, dropped some cash on the counter, thanked the bartender, and motioned for them to leave. Connor drove them back to Hank’s. When he pulled into the driveway, he realized that Hank had fallen asleep in the passenger seat.

“Hank,” he prodded gently, “Hank, we’re home.”

The day clearly took just as much of a toll on the old man as it did on Connor, because he stumbled inside, crashed on the couch, and began snoring before Connor even had the chance to suggest he find his way to his actual bed. Connor had been staying here in the last few months, and it was the first and only home he’d ever come to know. Sumo trudged up to him, and he placed a hand on the giant dog’s head.

“I’m jealous of you too, Sumo. You get to lie around here all day with no worries at all. What a life,” Connor whispered.

It didn’t take long for Connor to drift off, in fact he fell asleep sitting upright at the kitchen table with Sumo pressed against his leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who made it this far, your support means the world to me! Please leave comments, it makes my day when I get to hear from you <3
> 
> Also, I understand there are a lot of things I include that might not be super accurate (like Connor sleeping or taking deep breaths). I know those things aren't things androids need to do, but I don't really care. In the game, androids were designed to breathe (or to appear as if they are breathing) to be more lifelike, and Kara and Alice sleep a few times. I'm really not knowledgeable on all the technical stuff, but please excuse anything that doesn't line up. I'm trying not to get too hung up on it myself, as it just leaves me frustrated and at a loss of how to write these characters. I'm just doing my best <3


	3. The Case Of Carl Manfred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to write, I hope you enjoy!!

Did androids normally dream? Connor heard rumors that sometimes they did, but whether that was true or not, he never knew. At least not until tonight.

Many images flashed through his mind as he slept, all of them like short movies, but none of them making very much sense at all.

Connor jumped in his chair. He was startled awake by a particularly strange dream, but thinking back, he had already forgotten what it was about. The tiny glowing numbers on the microwave read 4:30am. Connor reached down beside him in the dark, but found that Sumo was no longer there.

Reality set in again, and the events of the previous day flooded back into his mind. He rubbed his temples in an attempt to soothe the ringing that hadn’t yet started, but that he knew would inevitably come soon. He stood from the table and realized that it was incredibly cold in the house.

Along the hallway to Hank’s bedroom, Connor traced the walls with his fingertips. It was a shame that androids had not yet been equipped with night vision. He pulled the large grey blanket off of Hank’s bed and carried it to the living room. Hank stirred a little when Connor draped the blanket over him, but he seemed not to wake completely. Connor tried to find his way back to the kitchen without tripping over anything.

“Thank you, Connor,” Hank mumbled quietly, catching Connor by surprise, but also sparking a small warmth in his chest.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered back.

 

Within the next hour and a half, the sky turned from black to a soft lavender color, and Connor decided that it was a good time to take Sumo for a walk. The crisp air made his joints feel stiff, but Sumo didn’t seem to mind it at all. They meandered down the sidewalk, stopping every few yards so that Sumo could sniff around.

This old neighborhood had become Connor’s home. Every corner was familiar to him, and even the neighbors started saying hello when he passed by. He never had consistency in his life before, but for the first time, he felt like he belonged. Hank’s little house in this little neighborhood, it was his home.

His thoughts were interrupted by a deep groan from Sumo, who was looking up at him expectantly.

“You hungry, boy?” Connor asked.

Sumo wiggled his hindquarters and gave a few more excited grunts.

“It’s too cold to stay out here anyway, let’s go get you some breakfast.”

They made it back to the house within a matter of minutes, and Connor could hear the shower running.

A few months ago, Hank barely had the energy to take proper care of himself. Within the last few weeks, however, Connor noticed that he was gradually getting back into good habits like showering every morning and eating healthier meals. Connor wondered if his presence had something to do with it. Whatever the reason, Connor was just glad to see the old cop caring more about himself.

Sumo finished off his bowl of food almost as quickly as Connor poured it.

When Hank finally came out in a fresh pair of Jeans and a sweater, Connor greeted him with a smile.

“I made coffee for you,” he said.

“Thanks, dipshit,” Hank teased.

They both smiled. Ever since Connor told Hank about his first encounter with Gavin in the breakroom, they had a sort of inside joke about coffee.

“How are you doing this morning?” Hank asked, catching Connor off-guard. This wasn’t a usual question coming from Hank.

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

“You just seemed a little shaken yesterday, like the crime scene really got to you,” Hank replied, looking him in the eyes.

Connor silently cursed himself. He had done his best not to show how much it affected him. He wanted to stay strong. How did Hank pick up on it?

“I’m ok, Hank. I guess it’s just a little different when it involves someone you actually know.”

“Markus?”

“Yeah,” Connor sighed.

Hank leaned forward, cupping his coffee with both hands, “What exactly happened when you talked to Markus?”

Connor started to get a little nervous.

“Nothing,” he said quickly, immediately regretting that choice. Hank furrowed his brow.

“I mean,” Connor tried to find a good recovery, “he was upset, obviously, but he was calmer about it all than I was expecting. He just wants justice for Carl. I promised him we’d get it.”

Hank nodded. Connor prayed his answer was enough to prevent further questions about their encounter. The crushing guilt about Simon weighed on Connor’s heart and mind like a ten ton brick, but he couldn’t tell Hank about it. He couldn’t tell anyone about it. Hank was there on the rooftop when it all happened, but he had no idea about the relationship between Simon and Markus. Markus didn’t know what happened to Simon, only that he never returned to Jericho. If either of them found out the truth, Connor would never be able to talk to them again without being reminded of his mistakes. He had no choice but to keep it to himself.

Thankfully, Hank changed the topic.

“You should change your clothes, I figured we could go back to the station today. Fowler sent us over some more information on possible suspects yesterday. It looks like it’s going to take some time to sort through it all. While we’re at it, we can take a closer look at the evidence that got sent back for sampling,” he said in a neutral voice.

Connor nodded in agreement and went to get dressed.

It was nice to have an actual wardrobe. He was so used to wearing the same Cyberlife uniform every day, but he had to admit that it was fun to have variety. Today he chose a deep blue long sleeve button down and black pants.

When re-entered the kitchen, he realized that he was matching with Hank, who’s shirt was nearly the same hue, only with a pattern of white streaks. Apparently, Hank took note of this too, because he looked Connor up and down, rolled his eyes a little, and mumbled “wannabe” playfully under his breath.

Connor smiled, “It just goes to show that you set the standards of fashion around here, lieutenant.”

Hank sighed and grumbled, “get in the car.”

Connor gave Sumo one last pat on the head before leading the way outside.

“What’s the mood for today?” he asked as they climbed into Hank’s car.

“Jazz,” Hank answered.

“Jazz it is,” said Connor, inserting a CD into the ancient player. It was scratched to hell, but still managed to play smoothly. Every time he tried suggesting playing music from his phone rather than CDs, Hank would just groan and complain until Connor let it go, so he really didn’t bother anymore.

The ride was peaceful, and for a little while, Connor was able to lose himself in the music rather than dwell on all of his problems. He kept wishing that they could just drive for forever.

The station brought a whole new hectic energy to their day. Gavin, who was talking to officer Valdez, lowered his voice as Connor and Hank passed by. Ever since Connor knocked him out in the evidence room downstairs, he had absolutely refused to acknowledge Connor’s existence. Connor wasn’t sure if it was out of hatred, embarrassment, or both. Either way, it was a blessing. Gavin only ever made his life more difficult.

Hank was the only one Connor told about Gavin assaulting him that day. Hank was furious, and Connor noticed that he now always made sure to position himself between Connor and Gavin whenever they were within 20 feet of each other. Thankfully their desks were still on opposite sides of the room, so they never crossed paths much anyway.

Hank sat at his desk with a dramatic grunt, and Connor asked him to pass over some of the files so that he could get started. By the looks of it, this was going to be a long day. They were starting by reviewing the profiles of several highly aggressive anti-android figures in the city, as well as reports of anti-android incidents. There were more than a few. It seemed as though the numbers of protests and crime on androids in Detroit had actually risen since the new android laws were set in place. There was a much greater acceptance for androids overall, but a small portion of the human population had become increasingly violent.

Connor began sifting through his half-pile of profiles, and Hank started on the other half. Hank had barely dug into the first one when he took a deep breath and looked to Connor.

“You sure you’re ok to read this? Some of these people are just sick, the things they’ve done to androids…” he said in a concerned voice.

It struck Connor that these things really were appalling to have to read. But it also seemed odd to him that Hank showed such concern. This was a professional setting, and reading through these profiles was his job.

The look of confusion on Connor’s face must have spoken for itself, because Hank clarified, “I can take over this part, if you’d like. You can go down and get started on the evidence. You really don’t need to be reading all of this.”

Connor couldn’t fully understand what he was feeling at the moment. Hank cared about him enough to take on extra work to protect him. It felt… good? He wasn’t sure if “heartwarming” was the correct word to use for such a feeling, but he guessed that it was.

Connor gave Hank a soft smile, “Thank you, but I’ll be ok. I was designed to handle this sort of thing.”

For a moment, Hank looked as if he might reach over and take the files straight out of Connor’s hands, but he sat back and nodded, “If you say so, just let me know if you change your mind.”

After approximately thirty files, Connor really did wish that he let Hank take this part over. He never thought this would affect him so much, but his head was swimming with images of androids burned alive, torn apart, hit by cars, and just about every other horrible thing one could imagine. Even the ones made to look like accidents were too suspicious. He felt a little dizzy, so he closed the manila folder on top of his stack and took a walk to the break room. He felt Hank’s eyes on him as he left the area.

He sat at one of the high-top tables and listened to the news coming from the TV. The anchor was talking about a local event to help the homeless. Connor thanked the universe that it wasn’t more news about death or the government. He was tired of hearing about that right now. He tapped his fingers on the table as an effort to refocus his mind and stop the unpleasant images.

Gavin entered the breakroom, focused on his phone at first, but when he looked up and saw Connor, he gave a frustrated sigh and turned his back. It was unclear why, but Connor got a sudden, almost intrusive urge to say something to him.

“Hello detective.” The words came out of his mouth before he meant for them to. There was no going back now.

Gavin turned to confirm that no one else was in the room and that Connor was indeed talking to him. He looked confused and a little disgusted, and he turned back around without a word, doing his best to ignore Connor.

Before Connor had a chance to say any more, he was interrupted by Hank, who stepped in front of him. Gavin took the opportunity to leave the room.

“You doing alright?” Hank asked quietly, trying to be discreet.

Connor hesitated, “Yes. I just needed a break.”

Hank narrowed his eyes a little as if he didn’t quite believe him.

“Have you found anything worthy of further investigation yet?” Connor asked in a cool voice.

“Actually yes. See, most of the cases are violence against androids, but I found a couple reports of violence against human pro-android activists.”

“Like Carl?” Connor asked.

“Just like Carl. Some of the cases involve vandalism, breaking and entering, threats. None of them so far involve both that and physical harm, though. Plus, most of those people are already in jail. Still, I think it’s worth looking into the groups they were a part of,” Hank said.

Connor nodded, “I haven’t found much yet that I think could produce a lead, maybe you could send me the potentials you’ve found, and I can review them in relation to the evidence downstairs.”

Hank gave Connor a knowing look, “Sounds like a plan, I think I’ll take over the rest of your stack as well. Seems to me like you could use a hand.”

Connor felt a little embarrassed at his incompetency. How was Hank so good at seeing through him? And why couldn’t he handle reading a few ugly reports? He was purposed for this. Frustration overwhelmed him. He guessed it was impossible to object now. He felt bad about putting the extra work on his partner, but maybe it really was for the best.

 

* * *

 

Connor made his way to the evidence room after reviewing the files that Hank passed down. He sorted through it all well into the afternoon. He felt as if he was no closer to a lead than he was at the beginning of the day. Nothing seemed to line up. Whoever did this to Carl was a ghost.

Hank joined him around 6 o’clock, bringing a whole new stack of potentials.

“Shit, I never thought an android could look so tired. Maybe it’s time to call it a day,” Hank said, placing a hand on the android’s shoulder.

Connor gave an irritated huff, but agreed. “I’m taking these home, though,” he said, holding up the dozens of manila folders Hank just brought him.

“I can’t stop you, but I really think you should take a break, come back fresh in the morning.”

As they were leaving, Gavin made eye contact with Connor for the first time in months, but Hank quickly blocked their line of sight and told Connor to keep walking. Gavin’s expression wasn’t hostile, though, more curious. Maybe he wondered what Connor meant to say to him in the break room earlier. Even Connor wasn’t sure what his intentions were. He had simply acted on an impulse when he said hello.

“Connor.” Hank’s voice jerked him back to reality.

“Yes?” He answered automatically.

“Jesus, kid. I’m starting to worry about you. It’s like you’re not all here.” Hank paused to climb back into the car. The interior was like a meat freezer after sitting in the cold all day. He started the car and jabbed his finger at the heat button. “I asked if you wanted to go to the burger joint on Michigan to watch the game.”

Connor didn’t quite understand the appeal of watching sports, but he pretended to enjoy it because Hank always seemed happier when he had someone to watch it with. Hank taught him the rules of basketball, hockey, and football and how to understand stats for the players.

However, Connor was too preoccupied with the investigation. All he wanted to do was sort through the rest of the files, and sitting through a game sounded unbearable right now.

“I think it would be better to take food home and watch the game there. I need to finish reading all of these,” Connor gestured to the folders.

Hank looked disappointed, but he obliged. They stopped for takeout on the way.

Hank sunk into the couch with a box of fried rice and a fork. Connor buried his attention back into the numerous reports.

He had always felt motivated to accomplish his tasks, but never on this level. He was only two days into this case, and it was consuming him completely. Not only that, but it was driving him to an unhealthy level of frustration. The more he read and observed, the more aggravated he felt that he had not yet made any progress, and the more he felt he needed to push on. He was caught in a cycle of failure, and it felt like his brain was overheating, but he wouldn’t give this up. He couldn’t. He made a promise to Markus, and he intended to keep it no matter what the cost.

Just when he felt himself reaching critical levels of stress, one profile caught his attention. A violent burst of hope extinguished all the worthlessness inside him. This was it. It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy oh boy, what did Connor find? 
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying it so far! Writing the detective work is something super new to me, but I'm enjoying it a ton! Also I got to include a lot of cute/sweet moments between our boys in this chapter. 
> 
> Please leave me comments! Reading your reactions is my favorite part of the writing process! :)
> 
> Also, you can subscribe to get emails when I update this fic. I would recommend doing that because I don't update on a regular schedule. Sometimes I update multiple days in a row, and other times I update only once in a week. I'll do my best to never let it go more than a week without an update though!


	4. We're All Falling Apart Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for supporting me! To those of you returning for this update, I appreciate you so much. To those of you who just found this fic, I hope you're enjoying it! <3

Connor carried the file to the living room, but before he could say anything, he realized that Hank had dozed off, the takeout box empty beside him. Suddenly the new information on Carl’s case took the backseat.

“Hank,” Connor prodded the old man gently.

Hank stirred and gave a groggy grunt.

“Hank, you shouldn’t sleep on the couch again. Can I take you to your bed?”

Hank rubbed his eyes and looked a little confused, but nodded. Connor knelt down and wrapped an arm behind him, pulling him to his feet. Hank must have been exhausted, because Connor had to support most of his weight as they walked to his bedroom.

“I’ll see you in the morning, lieutenant,” Connor whispered as he shut the door on his way out.

The basketball game still played on the TV, and for a moment it captured his attention. He watched the players run up and down the court as the crowd cheered. Perhaps some of them were androids.

As much as he itched to pursue the new lead on Carl’s case, the investigation would have to wait until the morning.

He thought of Markus and North. He wanted to see them so badly. He wanted someone to talk to, or even just to be in the same room with. He craved their company, their friendship.

Without much of a second thought, he grabbed Hank’s old Detroit police academy hoodie that was draped over the couch and slipped it on.

“I’ll be back, Sumo. Keep an eye on Hank for me,” he said.

It was cold outside. The night air was crisp and it made his nose feel as though it might fall right off. Thankfully it didn’t take long for a taxi to arrive. He set course to Jericho and watched the streetlights pass one by one. The city was always more beautiful at night in Connor’s opinion.

When he arrived at Markus and North’s door, he knocked quietly, hoping he wasn’t about to inconvenience them by showing up unannounced.

It was North who answered the door. She didn’t look all that surprised to see Connor. Mostly she just looked tired.

“Hi Connor.”

“Hello, North, I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I just wanted to see you both.”

North smiled a little, “Markus is asleep. I was just reading. You’re welcome to come in.”

Connor entered. It was so much warmer in their apartment than it was outside. There was a dim yellow glow coming from the lamp in the corner. He took off his shoes and followed North to the couch. She sat with her feet up so that her knees were tucked to her chest. She looked at Connor with a soft expression.

“How are you?” She asked.

“I’m ok, I made some progress on the case today. I’m going to solve this, for Markus.”

North nodded, still watching him.

“How are you? How has Markus been?” Connor tried to speak quietly, paranoid that Markus would overhear.

“He’s been quiet. He hasn’t left his room much. I’ve just been trying to deal with it. It hurts to see him hurting, but I don’t think there’s much I can do to make it better right now.”

Connor nodded and his eyes dropped to the floor. He started to feel a familiar discomfort.

“Can I ask you a question?” Connor said, feeling a lump form in his throat.

North nodded, hugging her knees tighter.

Connor was interrupted by a dull thud from the bedroom to their right. Both of them jumped to their feet, and North went quickly to the door.

She knocked, “Markus?”

No reply.

She knocked again and turned the knob, opening the door slowly.

“Markus are you ok?”

Connor heard a brief muffled reply, but he couldn’t make out what was said. North pushed the door open further and went into the room. Connor followed her, but paused at the doorway. The room was very dark. Connor could barely make out a silhouette of Markus on the ground beside the bed. He sat slumped up against the bedside stand in a position that made it seem as though maybe he had fallen.

North knelt beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you alright?” She asked quietly. Her voice was tender.

Markus seemed out of it. He looked around, slightly confused, but nodded slowly without making eye contact.

After a moment, he looked up to Connor.

“Simon?” He said, his voice shaking.

Connor felt his heart seize.

North quickly interrupted, “No, no Markus. Connor just came by to see us.”

Markus sat frozen and silent, still watching Connor carefully. After a moment he blinked and looked at his lap.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I just… I think I was having a dream.”

North looked over her shoulder to Connor with pain and helplessness in her eyes.

“Should I go?” Connor asked, only because he had no idea what to do.

“No,” Markus and North replied in unison.

North helped Markus to his feet.

“Come on,” she said, wrapping an arm around him, “you can come sit with us.”

Connor’s head began to ring.

North took Markus to the couch and brought him a blanket. Markus looked shaken. Connor sat in a soft chair perpendicular to the couch, images of the blonde-haired android invading his mind. He bit into his cheek to try and make them go away.

“The same dream?” North spoke to Markus, almost as if Connor wasn’t even there.

“More or less,” he replied. His eyes were glazed over as he stared off to a dark corner of the room.

He took a deep breath and shuddered, pulling the blanket up closer to his face. “I’m sorry, Connor. It’s good to see you. Please excuse me, I’ve been exhausted lately.”

Connor gave him an understanding nod, “Everyone needs rest at some point.”

“Do you have any new information? I don’t mean to assume that that’s the only reason you’re here,” Markus trailed off, now looking at Connor expectantly.

Connor hesitated. He didn’t know what the right amount of information to share was. He had a feeling it was best not to tell Markus all the details, but he had to say something to keep him hopeful.

“I came across a potential lead today. Hank and I are going to investigate it further in the morning. There’s not much more we could have done tonight.”

Markus leaned back and nodded. He was hard to read, and it made Connor nervous.

“I think I’m going to go on a walk, the air always helps. I’m sorry I can’t be more present right now.” Markus said tiredly as he stood.

“It’s freezing outside,” North objected.

“I’ll be ok,” Markus replied before parting.

The door closed, and the two of them were left in a uncomfortable silence. North’s tension was palpable, and Connor’s head now felt like it was going to split right down the middle.

North’s eyes glistened with tears.

“I worry about him,” she said.

Connor nodded, but the room was closing in on him. He couldn’t fall apart now. Markus was falling apart, and North looked like she might be next. Connor had to hold it together for them. He had to be here to help. He moved back to the couch beside North, trying to focus. North leaned on his shoulder, which caught him off guard. He looked down at her. She was now wiping tears from her cheeks.

“I feel so stupid,” she scoffed.

“You’re not stupid,” Connor replied.

“I am. I need to be here for him, but all I can think about is myself.”

Connor felt as if those words might as well have come from his mouth instead of North’s.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

North scooted away and looked at Connor with helpless eyes.

“I love him…” She looked horrified, as if she wished she hadn’t said that. But after a moment, she continued anyway, “I love him, but he lost the only two people he loved, and now I have to be here for him. I want to be here for him, but I’m angry. I can’t keep pretending it’s fine. It’s not. I’m not fine. I’m jealous and I’m angry and I’m just an idiot.”

Connor selfishly wished that he hadn’t come here tonight. Not because he didn’t want to help, but because he felt that he was the least qualified person in the world to deal with this. He couldn’t even understand or cope with his own feelings, and this sounded… complicated. He didn’t know how to reply. He didn’t know how to console her or be of any use whatsoever. His own head was sabotaging him for feeling deviating emotions, and he was overwhelmed.

North closed herself back off almost as abruptly as she opened up just seconds ago. She wiped her tears on her sleeve one last time, and her expression turned to one of concern for Connor.

“Are you ok?” She asked Connor in a much more composed voice.

Connor felt sick from guilt. North was repressing her emotions now because he was so useless. He couldn’t get himself to form words.

North took his hand in hers, and it made him realize that he was shaking.

“Let’s just start by making it through the night, yeah?” North said.

Connor nodded.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the night was a blur. Connor spent most of it consumed by his own flurry of thoughts. The sun started to peek over the horizon, making the living room glow gold. Markus still hadn’t come back. North was slumped over the arm of the couch, asleep. Connor hoped he could make it back home before Hank woke up. He didn’t want to have to explain where he’d been.

He slipped out without waking North, and he called a taxi to take him back to Hank’s.

When he opened the door, he was greeted by Sumo first, and then by Hank, who was cooking something in the kitchen.

“Connor, hi- Connor? Jesus, what happened?” Hank dropped the pan onto the stove and rushed to him.

“What? What do you mean?” Connor said, feeling a little panicked. He couldn’t possibly look _that_ bad.

“Your nose. It’s bleeding.”

Connor reached up to feel the half-dried therium on his face. He stuttered, trying to make sense of how that happened.

“Come here, sit down,” Hank took his arm and sat him down in a chair at the kitchen table. “Where were you? I just assumed you went on a walk without Sumo.”

“I was with Markus and North. I went to see them.”

“Well did you get jumped on the way home or what?” Hank demanded.

“No, I- I don’t know what happened.” Connor said, feeling shaky again. His head still hadn’t stopped hurting, and now it was getting worse again.

Hank looked concerned.

“Your eggs,” Connor said as the room filled with a burning smell.

“Shit!” Hank yelled, turning to pull the pan off the burner. “God Damnit.”

There was a long pause while Hank scraped the contents of the pan into the trash, mumbling more profanities under his breath.

“I found a lead in the files last night,” Connor spoke suddenly.

“Did you? Is that why you went to see Markus?” Hank still sounded frustrated.

“No, actually I just went to be with my friends.”

Hank looked over his shoulder, the frustration and concern melting off of his face.

“Your friends?” he said, trying to suppress a smile.

Connor narrowed his eyes, “yes?”

Hank looked amused and pleasantly surprised.

“Don’t look at me like that. I have friends, Hank.” Connor said.

“No, I know, it’s just… the first time I’ve heard you say something like that. I’m happy for you.”

Connor felt a little embarrassed. Why was Hank making such a big deal of this?

Hank wet down a paper towel and passed it to Connor. “For your face.”

Connor nodded and wiped the therium from his nose.

“So really, what happened?” Hank asked, gesturing to his own nose.

Connor wanted to lie, but he couldn’t think of one that was convincing enough.

“There’s a lot going on with Markus and North. I think I just got overwhelmed. I’m not good with emotions.”

Hank nodded slowly, “must have been bad if it made you bleed like that. You sure you’re ok?”

“I… I don’t know.” Connor felt like it was a risk to be so honest. He spend all night trying so hard to keep his emotions inside. He didn’t have any more energy to hide behind a mask right now.

Hank put a hand on his shoulder, “Just let me know if things get worse, ok?”

Connor nodded, feeling grateful that Hank cared but didn’t over-react.

“About that lead?”

“Oh yeah,” Connor reached to his stack of files still on the table and opened the one on top, handing it to Hank.

“Woah…” Hank said as he skimmed the file. “I think we better get to the station.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify that I didn't write this with the intention of North and Connor being a ship. I just see it as a very supportive friendship. Although I do think that North having a soft spot for Connor is honestly my favorite thing. I didn't like North in the game, but after writing her as a secret softie, I like her much more lol.
> 
> How do you guys feel about their dynamic in this fic? Let me know in the comments please, I'm really interested to know. Also, just tell me any other thoughts you have! 
> 
> I've fallen even more in love with Simon since I last updated, so now I kind of regret choosing the branch where he died... but oh well. Maybe I'll write a Simon/Markus fic after this one...


	5. Critical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOn't mind me writing about things that I have no knowledge on how to write properly.

“So, Bradley Kaughman. He’s an art dealer-”

“Collector,” Connor corrected.

“Right,” said Hank.

“He’s been buying Carl’s work for years, attending private parties, basically spending a lot of time around Carl Manfred. He also happens to be one of the richest men in the US.” Connor had the information memorized by now. It was well into the afternoon, and he had spent most of the day searching archives and databases for all this information that seemed now to perfectly fit his theory. “See, I looked into it, and it’s exactly what I suspected. He was involved with Cyberlife. When the revolution began, Cyberlife took a hit. He lost everything almost overnight. An emergency call was recorded three months ago from Bradley Kaughman himself. His wife committed suicide. My guess is that between the loss of his life’s investment and then almost immediately the loss of his wife, he was desperate to find blame.”

Hank nodded, his eyes trained on Connor, who continued. “If he spent that much time around Carl, buying his work, socializing, then who else did he have to know?”

“Markus,” Hank said.

“Exactly.”

“But, Connor-”

“Hank, the day after Carl’s murder, Kaughman disappeared almost completely. He sold his picked up and left the city.”

“But what does that prove?” Hank said, looking skeptical.

“He blamed Carl. Humans think irrationally when dealing with extreme grief. His wife’s death must have been the last straw. Kaughman knew about Markus and Carl’s relationship long before he deviated. Of course he was going to blame Markus for the revolution that led to his loss, but he couldn’t face the android leader himself, so Carl was the second best option.”

“Connor, Connor, slow down.” Hank stood up and rubbed his eyes. “It’s an interesting idea, but something about it doesn’t feel right. From everything I’ve seen, Kaughman just doesn’t fit the profile of a killer. Plus, this homicide was thoughtful, and the message was pretty clearly anti-android, not some reckless personal agenda.”

“He was pushed to his limits, no one can predict how that affects a person,” Connor insisted.

“Connor, I know you were made for detective work, but I’ve been doing this for a whole lot longer than you, and I’m telling you it’s a stretch.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s impossible,” Connor said sternly.

“No, it’s not. You’re right. I just think we should keep investigating before we get too caught up in this lead. We haven’t even interviewed anyone yet. You’re only looking at the evidence that backs your theory, but I think we’ve both seen the evidence that makes it pretty damn hard to believe.”

Connor felt himself boiling over.

“Hank, you’ve always trusted me in the past, I don’t know why you’re so hell-bent on telling me that I’m wrong now,” Connor raised his voice, and heads around the station began turning their direction.

“This isn’t about trust, Connor. It’s about being professional and carrying out a proper investigation, not jumping to conclusions.”

“Since when have you been professional, Lieutenant?”

Hank gave Connor a dangerous look.

“The evidence lines up, how can you not see that this is the man we’re looking for? We could have this case solved if you would just listen to me!” Connor was shaking now.

Hank’s voice dropped, he was working hard to keep his composure. “Look, kid. I know this means a lot to you, but you’re letting your emotions get in the way. I’ve never seen you be so irrational-”

“I’m the one being irrational?” Connor spat.

“Yes!” Hank shouted. The station hadn’t been this quiet in months. “You’re better than this, Connor!”

Connor felt dizzy. His head was screaming at him.

“I suppose you wish Cyberlife would just send you a new, shiny, perfect model like they used to then? Maybe a machine would be more use to you right now!”

“You’re embarrassing yourself, sit down,” Hank took a step toward him.

Something snapped inside of Connor. His vision burned white as his fist made contact with Hank’s gut. He felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind. Simon’s face flashed into his mind, and then Markus’, and then North’s. Connor had no control over his body. He fought like he’d never fought before. He couldn’t even feel his hands as they grabbed the man running at him. He couldn’t feel his arms as they swung the man around and threw him into the nearest desk. He couldn’t see his surroundings. All he could see was blue blood spraying the grey utility box behind Simon’s head. All he could hear was the sound of a gunshot and Markus’ trembling voice whimpering “Simon?” through the dark.

Someone finally managed to pull Connor’s hands behind his back and lock them into a pair of cold metal handcuffs.

“CONNOR!” Fowler’s voice boomed through the room, jolting Connor back to reality. He looked around. Two officers stood at a distance, one bleeding from a gash in his cheek, and the other holding an arm that was most definitely broken. A third officer sat on the ground, slumped against a desk, holding his head. Hank was nowhere to be seen. Gavin was standing across the room shaking his head and smirking.

“You’re fired. Give me your badge and get the fuck out of my station,” Fowler growled.

Someone behind him hesitantly removed the handcuffs.

Connor stood in disbelief for a moment, but he knew that anything he could say would only make things worse. He handed Fowler his badge with shaking hands. Every person in the room was watching him. He scanned for Hank one more time, but he wasn’t there.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said.

He left the station as quickly as he could, trying to avoid eye contact with everyone on the way. He didn’t know what to do now. Did he hurt Hank? Oh, god. He would never forgive himself. Hank would never forgive him. He couldn’t finish the case. What would he tell Markus? What if they gave the case to Gavin? Would Hank lose his job too? Could he still go home?

Ten thousand thoughts flew through Connor’s mind. He couldn’t breathe. His head had never hurt as badly as it did right now. He could barely see through the tears in his eyes as he looked down to see blue blood dripping onto his shirt. His nose was bleeding again, but he was sure he hadn’t gotten hit. Was he dying? Was he reaching critical stress? Could he actually shut down because of that?

He held his hand under his chin as the blood collected in his palm.

 

* * *

 

The sun was dipping down past the horizon, making the sky grow dark and the air grow even colder. Somehow Connor found his way to the top of an old abandoned building, five stories up. He hadn’t kept track of how long he’d been walking, and he had no idea where he was or why he ended up here.

Blue blood still flowed slowly from his nose. Whether from the cold or from his body shutting down, he was completely numb. In a way, it was a blessing because the alarm in his head was still blaring, but at least it didn’t hurt. He sat on the edge of the building, looking out over the glowing city. He leaned back to lay flat against the floor. He would be ok with dying here right now. He willed his system to just give out, but it wasn’t that easy. He wished he could take back everything.

Is this what it was like to be a human? Messing up everything because of irrational emotions and then having to deal with feeling like this afterward? If this was what it felt like to live with emotions, then he didn’t want it. His body was learning to register physical pain now too. He couldn’t handle it. He sat up and leaned forward to peer over the ledge where his feet dangled. His stomach tightened, but he scooted forward a little anyway. Maybe it really was that easy…

An almost intrusive image of Sumo came into his mind. He sighed and flopped backward to lay flat again.

“Let’s just start by making it through the night,” he said out loud to himself, remembering North’s words the night before.

Sleep came when he least expected it, wrapping his slowly freezing body into a comfortable darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof.
> 
> Uh, the next chapter is gonna be good and long and filled with all kinds of highly-anticipated things. Hang in there guys n gals n non-binary pals <3
> 
> Please leave comments, lemme hear ya thoughts :O


End file.
